Author: Chris

Is it too late?

I travelled up to the community college that I had gone to so many years ago, yesterday.  It was eerie and bitter sweet to revisit the college that I had spent many days in my youth.

The transfer advisor that I had been hoping to speak with was not in the office, however, though, his assistant was. Youthful and kind, she did not have much knowledge or experience; because of this she was unable to assist me.

I plan on heading back up to the college in the coming days. college transfer advisors are elusive creatures. Always in meeting or taking a medical leave of absence. I just want to figure out if my credits are worth anything anymore.

It seems like the college institutions operate a lot like the government, or even large hospitals. They operate on their own time, and by their own standards, almost like they are stuck in a time warp. I would much rather see all college classes shift online. The cost of tuition should decrease dramatically.

In this day and age, you don’t need to be in the same classroom as the teacher to learn. Make it easier on everyone and allow students to connect remotely. Stop the madness, please!

Well, getting back to my original thought, I am in the process of figuring out how I can possibly cobble together a bachelors degree over the next few years.   This will take a lot more planning.  I don’t want to take a lot of classes just to get a piece of paper, and realize that it was all for nothing.

This is what I am trying to do more of, strategically plan ahead.  I have always just blindly run into things. My intuition would validate the thought that I was having at the time I had it and that would usually be enough for me to pursue my goal.  I don’t see that as the most prudent route anymore.  You have to look farther down the road and weigh more variables to get a better understanding if you are truly making the right decision.

Oh well, it could be worse.  I could be addicted to drugs.  Haha,  I bring this up because this is the exact thing my dad said to me numerous times.  He reads the news way too much and I guess there are a ton of articles highlighting the heroin epidemic in America.  Hey, misery sells so I can’t blame them for writing what people want to read.  Not me, though.  I have mostly stopped reading and watching the news.  It’s really not news anymore.   I got better shit to do with my time,  like trying to resurrect my career and figuring out how to go back to school!

Like I said,  life can be a lot worse.  I complain about not have a secure future, but there are so many in life that have it much worse than me.   It is important for me to acknowledge that I am lucky, and that I should be grateful for what I have.

So, in short, I continue to plod along. Not unlike a little cork in the middle of the ocean, I make my way slowly along the currents of life.

 

 

Where Do I Go From Here?

After getting off the bus in the late afternoon, yesterday,  I drove twenty minutes north to attend a Toastmasters meeting.  I have never really been the first one to speak up in a group setting. I have always been content to stay silent and let others speak for me.

As I have gotten older, I have become keenly aware that my lack of visibility in team meetings, and group outings can have a detrimental affect on how I perceive myself, and how I am perceived by others.

I guess what I am saying is that when you choose to behave like you are invisible in life, don’t expect many opportunities to come your way.

Naturally, I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).  For me to actively extrovert throughout the day, it thoroughly drains me. When I get home, I feel like I had run a twenty five mile marathon. I conserve energy by purposefully not taking in all the sights and sounds that occur around me, on a daily basis. Working in a loud single room with dozens of cubicles causes my soul to wither.

With all the distractions and obligation to extrovert in order to win the favor of my extroverted manager, I feel like an abject failure, at the end of the day. Even when things go well, they don’t really.  My job doesn’t fit me, my coworkers for the most part don’t fit me, the work is something I could walk away from today, and not feel the slightest bit of remorse.  God, this is starting to sound depressing.

Getting back to why I went to a Toastmasters meeting,  I wanted to do something outside the norm for me.  I already feel anxious about my career, and what lays ahead of me in the near future, but to push myself slightly more outside my comfort zone, it feels exhilarating.  It gives me a sense of hope that maybe, just maybe, I can be something different, I can reimagine myself and my future.

In order to make a career shift, it will take persistence and dedication.  It is scary not being able to see what is just over the hill, but then again it is also exhilarating too.  Life is a journey, it is meant to be experienced.  I want to get to the end of my life and look back and be proud of what I have accomplished.  So far, I cannot say that about myself, for the most part.

If you never take chances in life, and strive to grow into a better version of yourself, life becomes stagnant and you run the risk of missing out on some great opportunities.

So, my advice for myself and you is…get out there and take measured chances, speak to new people, learn new things, grow a little every day. Your soul will thank you for the effort.

 

Fear of Learning

I have had a deep fear of learning, ever since I can remember.  Actually, it is a deeper fear than that.  I also fear taking chances. I fear visiting a new restaurant to reading a new book.

I believe my deep seated fear lies in the chance that I will be made a fool, or shamed in some way.   That I will never be competent in the task at hand.

From my past history, as a child, I felt that I could never truly please my father or meet his lofty expectations.  To avert these feelings of shame and inadequacy, I would just not try.  Problem solved.

I found that if I did not try, I could avoid my father’s critiques, for the most part. Unfortunately, this mindset has followed me into adulthood, and it has had a tremendous affect on the trajectory of my life.

My career or lack there of has languished for years now.  I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid of trying because I feel that I am not competent to do the task.  Funny, since in order to be competent at something, you first have to put in the time and effort to master the skill.

This just leaves me in an endless loop of never fully committing to anything, because of this aversion.  Why does it seem that the majority can push through this cognitive block, and I cannot. I don’t think I fully comprehended how much of an affect it has had on my life and career.

I guess what I am saying is that I am not very conscious or self aware.  It is blind spot that I have dealt with my whole life.  How can I be so blind to the fact that I have been running all these years in place.  I want to be more proactive, and take charge of my life.

I don’t want to languish any longer in a dead end job.  What can I do right now that will get me in a better position in life?  It would best to speak to a career counselor or advisor?  Probably.

Maybe, I am not alone.  I would guess there are others out there that have been on auto pilot in their careers, or just life in general, too?  I am wondering how they have pulled themselves out of this ditch.   

If you care comment, if you have been in the same situation, please do.  I would be curious to what you have to say.

How do I know this time will be different?

Why haven’t I tried more? What in my career and in life in general has caused me to be so blind to the fact that I am not making much progress?

I am passive. I don’t purposefully pursue what is in my best interest for the long run. I am future focused but I am not.   I have not planned out my career, as I should have, and now I am in a bind.

I tell myself that I am going to get my shit together, and that this time it will be different, but really, if I am honest with myself, will it really?  How can I trust myself after pulling this shit, over the past 40+ years.

Am I a loser?  Because I don’t have a wife, a secure cushy job and a four year degree? Possibly, in the eyes of many Americans.  We live our lives by the ideals of our society. If we happen to not meet those expectations, many of us cannot help to feel like we are abject failures.

So, in short, I don’t know if this time it will be different.  All I can do is try my best, and make better plans for my future.  I’m a bit of a dreamer, so it is very easy for me to get lost in my head.  I will just need to be more self aware.

I don’t know what is in store for me, and my future.  I should be grateful for what I have and be thankful that I am healthy.  There are a lot less fortunate people out there in the world, and a person’s personal perspective can become clouded with their less consequential misfortunes, easily.

I guess what I have to say is that nobody is holding my feet to the fire.  If I don’t like my current predicament, well then, I best do something about it.  I plan to go see a career counselor, and I am going to look into completing my bachelors degree.

Complaining and ruminating only saps a person’s energy. It is best to plan a a course of action and take it.  Any direction at this point is fine by me!

Never Settle!

The amount of friction that I have felt in my current job role has sapped me emotionally, and physically. However,  I have a tendency to muscle through obstacles when the going gets tough.  I persevere.

I had somewhat of an epiphany, this morning, or understanding of exactly what I was doing.  I was settling.   Settling for a mundane life, where I never want to get up and go to a job where I feel out of place and where my true skills, I feel, are not being used.

To me, this is a wasted life, and potential. To settle, and not fully comprehend how much of an emotional drain it has been on me.  Feeling like I am dragging a fifty pound weight behind me, on a daily basis.

I do know why I continue on like this.  It is because the answer to my solution, is not completely clear, and I fear change.  This is no excuse for me not to actively explore how possibly I can pull myself out of this mess, and create a life and career that is more meaningful and authentic to me.

I don’t want to settle anymore.  life is way too short to settle.  To settle, you give up on so much of your life’s potential. To settle, you automatically push away and shutter any dreams that you have for your future self.

The enemy of settling is dreaming.  Dream about what you would like to truly do.  Dream for the sake of just dreaming.  In today’s world, it seems that practicality has taken the place of dreaming.

Dreaming harnesses the energy of a creative mind.  Instead of being practical, dare to dream about what you want to accomplish and attain in life.  All great ideas and accomplishments start out as a dream.

If you too are in a position in your life where you feel that you want to make a change but it seems that your feet are encased in a cement block, reach out for help.  Speak to someone about what you are wrestling with.  I believe that only when we are able to drag our problems out into the light, will we get a better understanding and perspective on how to address them.

Until next time, keep dreaming!

You Have to Fail in Order to Succeed!

After experiencing what many might say was an existential crisis, three years ago,  I have been continually pursuing a path of personal development and self growth.

Looking back, I can see that self growth does not happen all at once, it takes time, effort, and a lot of energy.  Patience and perseverance are also two key ingredients.

I have observed that a large chunk of the three years, I have spent in isolation.  As an introvert, when I have a problem, I tend to seclude myself from others, and research a topic for hours, days, and sometimes years to fully comprehend what it is that I am curious about.

Don’t get me wrong, researching, reading,  and analyzing data, is what I like to do, but I have come to the conclusion that over the past few years, the biggest spurts of growth that I have had in the field of personal development came in the form of taking direct action.

This could be going out on dates,  or taking courses online, getting up the nerve to talk to a therapist.  I even setup an informational interview with a coworker, and by doing so I formed a friendship with the most amazing person.

Now, I can see why taking action is not the go-to means for people (introverts especially) who want to make a change in their lives.  Taking action is scary.  Why would you want to wander outside your comfort zone, to meet total strangers, when you could sit on your comfy couch and read a book about how to talk with strangers, instead?

Here is the thing that struck me about taking action.  A sure sign that you have taken action is that you have failed!  That’s right!  Failure is a sure sign that you have taken action.  Without Failure, there can be no chance of success.

So there you have it,  go out there, take action, and expect to fail a few times in the process.  But, just by the fact that you failed, means that the chance of success is that much closer within your grasp!

I Am Afraid To Try!?! – Mindfulness is the key

Part of what makes progressing in my life rough is that I get stuck in a proverbial loop.  My logic (or lack there of) for giving up on a pursuit is that If I put effort in a task and it doesn’t work out, then I would have ended up wasting all that effort and time.

I am bound to fail, so why even try in the first place?

My default answer to this dilemma is indecisive action, by not putting much effort or time into the task at hand, because why would I,  I’m destined to fail anyways, or look like an ass in the process.

Subpar results are what is created from this train of thinking, or no progress at all .   A life not fully lived.  A coward afraid to step outside his comfort zone to address the unknowns in life.

Why am I asking these questions later in life?  I am 42 years old. Maybe it is self awareness that is playing the key part in all of this. I meditate almost daily, and visit a therapist twice a month, so it might just be that I am able to better visualize how my brain is processing and rationalizing certain situations.    I have never been more self aware, in my life.

What if instead of worrying about being shamed, for not knowing the answer at work, or being afraid that if I study up on a certain subject that I end up not mastering the material, I just pick a task and complete it, not for anyone else but because I wanted to learn the subject.

Isn’t that is what people do, they tend to practice what they are good at, and because of this they are good at what they practice?

Instead of heaping  worries, fears, lofty expectations into something, I just mindfully clear that mental clutter from my mind and just learn for the sake of learning, and the fact that I am curious?

Simplifying, acknowledging what I fear,  and addressing these fears and worries is what I believe it takes to overcome what we are reticent to pursue.   This could be a relationship, career,  finances..ect.  The list goes on and on.

In order to have better self awareness, we need to practice mindfulness.  If you google this topic, there is plenty of material out there, so I won’t bore you with the details.

As I mentioned previously, I practice meditation, but there are other means to becoming more mindful about your thoughts.  It just takes practice, and addressing your fears and worries, one step at a time.

How not to be a coward

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been a coward the majority of my life.  I never gave it my all.  I always let the other guy step up.  I hesitate to say that I could have done a better job than him, though. I never had much confidence. I could blame it on my upbringing but recently I have been reticent to play that card.

I don’t want to blame anyone anymore for how I behave. It is about time that I take responsibility for how I react to life’s ups and downs.

A coward is one who blames others for his mistakes.  A coward sits on the sidelines leaving others to do the hard work.   A coward doesn’t put in the effort or hard work, because of the off chance that it will not work out for him. A coward never really gives it his best…

A coward dies a thousand deaths, compared to someone with courage.  I could say that I feel bad for a coward, but I really don’t.  I can empathize and if asked, I would gladly offer hope and encouragement, but the path to courage is up to the individual himself.

So, here I am early 40’s and just acknowledging the depths of my cowardice.  It is frightening and exhilarating to face this deep personal defect.  I know I have the strength to persevere to permanently remove cowardice from my person, but there is always that nagging feeling that I might not be strong enough.

Well, I know I am strong enough to conquer this.  I have been on a path of self development for the past three years now.  I have conquered many demons, and I will conquer this one like all the rest.

 

What does it take to find work that you love to do

I was thinking about where in my career I currently am and how I got here.  Am I lazy, or do I just not have the where-with-all to pick a career path and make it work?

I can say that I am not lazy.  I am driven by my desire to become the best authentic self that I can be.   Maybe this is why I feel consternation and anxiety when I try to force myself to learn a topic which I don’t feel is authentic to me.   What I do has to in some way connect directly with my core.

But it can be said that you will not always have the luxury to choose what you need to learn to get the job done, however,  I would preface this with, it is up to you to move your career in a direction where the daily work that you are tasked with is in direct alignment with who you are and your strengths.  Not doing so will only bring great hardship and regret in your present life, and later years.

I don’t have an excuse, really.  By staying in my current position, all I am accomplishing is wasting more time, and feeling a deep sense of loathing.   The key for me is to find work where I am able to create.  The path to that is not so clear cut, and to feel my way forward, I will need to take chances.

I currently am learning how to use Adobe illustrator and After Effects.  I enjoy both these programs.  The freedom to express myself using this medium of digital design and animation is refreshing.   I still have anxiety, not knowing if the time I spent using the programs with bring any sort of real value to me.

I think the key here is to get my work out there on this or another blog, and show what I have learned.  I have a need to share and teach, along with a desire to be competent in what I do.  Learning a task is one thing, but the process of learning and applying the task is on a completely different plane.

The is the thing, you have to do the thing before you find out that it will work out for you.  Many people with not take the leap of faith to try new things, because they don’t see a clear cut path.

It comes back to curiosity, courage, and having the sense to invest time in work and play where it brings you joy.

I still don’t know what my future career path will be.  I want to continue to explore visual design, and creative thinking.  I enjoy journaling and writing on this blog,  and maybe having no reservations or high expectations of what this will bring is the best way to exploring what I want.