Do More of What Makes You Happy

“Do more of what makes you happy”. This pertains in your personal and work life. Yes, this is easier said than done. Since we were children we were conditioned to please our parents in order to receive love. For many of us our natural intuition was hampered or gaslit. Instead of following our gut, we first looked outside ourselves and asked “What would my parents want me to do?”.

For many this continues on till the end of their lives. For the lucky few, possibly through therapy or self exploration they come to the realization that the reason they are so miserable in their adult life is the fact they are not living authentically. They are in fact living a life they believed others other than themselves wanted them to lead.

Getting to the route of this problem is first being conscious enough to realize that you are living an inauthentic life. Do you wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed because the job you go to drags you down every day? In your daily activities do you feel that you are going against the grain? Do me a favor, and when you have these feelings, stop and question why you feel this way. To lead a happier life, what you pursue and who you communicate with whether it be family or friends, there is a need for a happy balance.

Happiness is very important to leading a fulfilling life. If you are unhappy, question what areas of your life are causing you stress and come to an understanding exactly why this is.

Once you conscious that you are unhappy, and you will need to explore what alternatives there are to allowing you to live a more authentic happier life. If after many years you have come to realize the career you have is not what you wanted all along but in fact what your parents wanted for you, start exploring what other areas or subjects interest you. What activities did you partake in as a child that would spark your curiosity and make you excited?

The last step to living an authentic life is to take ACTION! Without action, all you have are thoughts and ideas rolling around in your head. Reach out to others and online who are interested in what you are exploring. If needed go see a career counselor, or a therapist if you believe deeper self exploration is required. Without taking action nothing will change. I know it is scary, but the alternative is that you will stay stuck in an unfulfilling life forever.

I am in the same boat as you. I too am paddling upstream, but I think it gets better the more you practice self change. Best of luck to you!

I Am Worthy of Love

I don’t need to be afraid or fearful…..these feelings are derived from the idea that I don’t deserve happiness and contentment..

I can rest assured even if I fall down, I can get up, dust myself off and move forward because of the simple fact that I deserve, no I am worthy of living a happy and healthy life, filled with people who I can love and they can love me in return.

So in the matter of finding a partner, if or when I am rejected, this is ok. They are simply doing me the favor of letting me know they are not the right choice for me, that is it. There is no need for fear of rejection or shame. If you a worthy of love and attention, which all of us are, then these fears are cancelled out automatically.

If you care for someone then tell them. There is no need to hide your true feelings. Let them be known. Because the only person who can truly reject you is yourself.

Happen To Your Life

This is one major epiphany, that life always doesn’t have to happen to me, rather I can happen to my life.

I think I have always blamed others, or unfortunate circumstances when things didn’t go so well. Poor job performance at work, well just blame it on the employer or customers.

Ultimately it seems that this is just me unconsciously trying to protect my ego. I don’t want to admit that maybe I am not putting too much effort, or that I am not very good at what the job entails. It makes sense.

The cost to blaming others is that I never get the opportunity to accurately assess why things are not going so well. There is no real opportunity for me to understand why my poor job performance is occurring. I never let true honesty between my conscious and unconscious self unfold. If I was honest and in touch with my feelings, I would know that I was miserable in my new role, that I had never really enjoyed working for this company, that I was settling for far less, just because I never thought I could do more or be more.

That in order to create a meaningful life, I would need to be clear with myself on what I really wanted. I’m not good at asking for what I want. I have a tendency to look at neediness as a weakness. I want to change that now. I have needs and I deserve to get them filled.

But that is the thing, it takes effort and and addressing the unconscious fears to be able to get what you want in life.

I realize now that life doesn’t have to happen to me. I don’t have to stay in a job I hate, that I can explore other opportunities. That in the end, my limiting beliefs of what I am capable of are holding me back.

Beliefs about yourself, others and the world have such a tremendous impact on our lives. I never really questioned my beliefs. Many of these beliefs I learned from childhood. It makes sense that these unconscious unhelpful beliefs would be carried by me into adulthood. The majority of us (or all of us) carry around these old unhelpful beliefs our whole lives, unfortunately.

The best way to combat this is to practice mindfulness. Practice being aware of what thoughts are driving us to act and think the way we do. Only then will we have the chance to call those unhelpful beliefs into question, and possibly change our course and take a different path in life.

I hate feeling anxious!

I started looking for a future partner recently, having broken up with my previous partner over six months ago. The anxiety of reaching out to perfect strangers, coming up with the right words to use and then keeping that correspondence going is enough to drive anyone mad!

But here’s the thing, in any endeavor where you are asked to put your self out on a limb, it is going to feel unnatural, foreign, scary and a bit squeamish. I am sure others who have found their partner for life are very glad that they are not swimming around the dating pool.

Any time I have made an oversized effort to change a part of my life, I have felt this uneasiness. Just the thought of the feeling makes me want to scurry for safety. But this perceived safety is false. If I continue to isolate myself and never reach out, I know I will be alone for the rest of my life. I have been alone for majority of my life, and the worrisome thing is that I am very comfortable with self imposed isolation.

To make things worse, I do things slowwwwwly… So any changes in my life have been made over a fairly large period of time. This pattern is self evident in so many aspects of my life…career change, and dating to name a couple. I wish I could make large changes in my life at a much quicker pace. Maybe this is not something wise to ask for. Maybe it is best to make gradual changes over a certain time period.

My motivation for change comes and goes like the breeze. This doesn’t help things either. It just feels like time is slipping by so quickly. You can grasp at the grains of sand as they slip between your fingers but it doesn’t slow it down.

I think knowing what I want, and clarifying it in my mind and writing down on paper is the first step of taking the reins of my future. I also think purposefully putting a consistent amount of time and effort into certain chosen endeavors is a wise choice. Small investments of time over a given period of time can produce wonderful outcomes.

So, this is what I will do. Write down what I want, put in consistent effort, and work on making these dreams come true. Wish me luck!

Follow Your Own Path In Life

I keep having this urge, whenever I get an idea into my head of something I want to try doing. My immediate reaction, is to not think of if this new idea lines up with what I would like to do, but rather if others would approve. Like a small child craning their neck around to see if their parent behind them is approving of what they are about to do.

I have always second guessed myself. When I think of a path or action I want to take, the first thought that comes to my mind is ‘What would others think of this?”. It never fails.

However through years of personal growth, I feel I am for the first time giving myself permission to purposeful to stop looking around for others approval and just listen to my intuitive voice and go in the direction it suggests.

I wont lie, it feels uncomfortable. Like any well worn habit that has deeply etched its pathways of my mind, I want to resort to my old ways of thinking. But I persist. I have a sense of knowing in myself that has not been there. For the first time, I think I trust myself to make a choice that I and I alone will be able to live with, even if I fail.

Its scary, I will admit to take a path that I have decided and not a decision that I have allowed vetted by a nonexistent rule book outlining today’s supposed societal norms.

its unusual for someone in today’s society to follow their own path. To a certain extent I would say it is disparaged and at worst the idea is shunned. Why would this be the case? Well, it seems more and more in America, independent thought is seen as a dangerous way of being. Economically, companies would rather keep employees tied down, with healthcare and benefits. It seems like a safer way to live, however people don’t realize how much freedom they actually are giving up.

“What if I just got out of my own way and let myself experiment and let my inner voice guide me on my path?”

Don’t expect others to understand. Sure you can accept advice, but nobody knows you more then you know yourself! This is very important. Others can’t completely understand what your wants and needs are. Only you can come close to to understanding what you desire in life. Just like you can’t expect yourself to fully understand what drives others to do what they do. Just be true with what your inner voice is telling you, be still and listen intently to what it is saying. This is the truest essence of trusting yourself and living authentically. Being the most authentic you. You can’t live a truer life than to live in a way that your inner voice is alignment with.

If you are miserable change, don’t settle

If you are miserable in your life, first acknowledge it, and then work to change it. Do you believe you are worthy of living a happier life? What is the toll it is taking on you mentally and physically to stay stuck in the situation you are in.

Fear of change and failing can be a deterrent but all you will be embarking on is a journey of exploration where failure is not a liability but a necessity. Explore and experiment to find out what you want to do and what lights you up.

You don’t need to stay stuck, you are feeling stuck because you won’t take the action needed to move yourself onto a different path.

There really is no excuse to staying stuck. Its uncomfortable and aggravating, I get it. You have to ask yourself, if this was a friend of yours what would you say to them? Possibly, “You are worthy of so much more”? Do you feel that you are worthy of living a more meaning, purposeful life? If the answer is “no”, then this is where you need to start changing your mindset.

And another thing, thoughts and ideas will help clarify what changes you want to make, but without action, they mean little to nothing. Pick a path, experiment and most importantly, TAKE ACTION! Without taking action, you will never move the needle.

You deserve a more joyful life. You are miserable. Don’t settle!

Listen to Your Inner Voice!

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t second guess myself. I will get a grand idea in my head, possibly on rare occasions with bravado and passion I will attack the task, but eventually my eagerness and energy will fade.

Any great idea that I have had has been brought to me by that little voice. That faint almost timid whisper that occurs when the clouds part in my mind and a moment of clarity delivers to me a great idea.

Almost simultaneously, with this grand idea, almost immediately after there is a sharp pang of fear. A fear so intense, that my natural reaction is to push away the new idea, like it was encrusted with tumors and oozing cancer!

I think that fear is the thought that others would be dismissive of my idea. Like when you tell someone you want to accomplish a big goal, and they shoot you down, “you can’t do that, you will fail!”, they would say.

What is the issue here? I am sure like all big issues in adulthood they almost always have their start in childhood. As a child I never got much space to grow. My family like many families was pretty dysfunctional. One of the side affects of a dysfunctional family is numero uno, you don’t, no cant admit to yourself or others that your family is dysfunctional. The truth doesn’t exist. Dysfunction flourishes in families where the dysfunction itself is not acknowledged. Everyone keeps quiet.

The side affect of this kind of childhood upbringing is that you are repeatedly gaslit by family members. “No, we didn’t have an argument last night, everything is fine Timmy”. When the reality of what is occurring is completely ignored, you start questioning if you are the crazy one.

So, one byproduct of a dysfunctional childhood upbringing can be that you have a pattern of second guessing yourself. You might not even know it at the time, I sure didn’t.

I think the only way to break this cycle is to stop and truly listen to that inner voice. Take what it is saying to heart and honor what it suggests. Like a small child coming to you with an idea. Just listen. And then if the idea sounds half good, follow through with it. Try it out. What can it hurt! Maybe try it out for an agreed upon time interval and see where it leads. I’m going to try juggling live chickens for 15 days! If it doesn’t work out, pat yourself on the back and encourage your inner child to keep offering up ideas.

I think this can help mend trust issues with the inner child that got scrambled at a much younger age.

Live Life More Proactively

I have lived most of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I turn 45 in just a few days now. Based on the average life expectancy of a healthy male in the United States, I have already lived over half my life. My message is that I always lived in fear, day to day, wondering if I would be able to make my rent, if I was saving enough for retirement, was I doing well enough at work. What happens if I get laid off or fired.

I have been living my life in fear. Living a small life, not being proactive and thinking about how I could adjust my life to live it more meaningfully.

I have worked in the tech industry for many years. Looking back, I never wanted to be in that role. I wanted to be in a more creative role. A creative role such as writing, possibly? To this day I haven’t been able to pin down exactly what would make me happy. Maybe the reason I haven’t been able to resolve this issue is because I have been going about it wrong.

In a sense, in today’s society, you find a career and the main driver is money. Money will eventually make you happy, right? No, it won’t. It might be a good carrot on a stick when I was younger, but I am driven to find purpose in the work I do.

Adding in the need for purpose just complicates an already confusing puzzle. The majority of jobs out there don’t have purpose. The majority of work is meaningless. You would be hard pressed to find meaning in organizing a random spreadsheet or putting together a slide chart for a meeting. There are exceptions of course, however the majority of work completed by people has no intrinsic value for them except to provide a paycheck.

So, maybe the answer is that there is no one single job that will provide purpose to any given individual, possibly we are meant to find purpose in multiple avenues? I think this might be more of the truth. I for one would like to volunteer more. I have volunteered for organizations in the past, and this has satisfied my itch to help others. I didn’t need to get a masters degree in psychology to volunteer at an animal shelter or hospital.

I do think that a job should provide some level of enjoyment and self satisfaction. Being a in career where you like what you are do and do what you like makes for a far more satisfacory life than constantly going against the grain, feeling like you are always swimming up stream.

That is where am currently at in my career, swimming against the stream. I think I need to swim towards shore, dry myself off and pick a different path. My arms are getting way too tired to continue doing this.

Branching out and being uncomfortable, why bother?!

I recently took a new job as a Customer Success Manager. This role entails me reaching out to clients, building a rapport with them so that the products and services that they purchased don’t go to waste. It is also my job to have the pulse of the customer and make darn sure that the account does not churn.

Here is the thing, I have always been introverted my whole life. I have been on the timid side for my better years too. Before this role I worked on the technical side, behind a computer and when speaking with customers, I would usually never make much effort to make small talk. I never enjoyed it. I lived in my little shell, and I was okay with it.

So why would you think I would put myself in such an awkward position later in my life? The answer lies in the fact that I wanted to expand my horizons, to branch out and get outside of my comfort zone. And, boy did I. I have never felt more like a fish out of water than in this position.

I can see why others might avoid situations like this. Feeling uncomfortable is, well uncomfortable. It is human nature to gravitate to the safe and known path. Otherwise we would risk being injured or possibly expend additional energy that we might need later on.

However, life is about growth. If you are not growing, then your life becomes stagnant. Sure, some would say this isn’t true, but if the body and mind is not kept in motion and challenged, it declines. Muscles atrophy and brain functions decline.

In order to live a more meaningful and joyful life, inject more meaning into your life. I see this more in my future than ever. I want to make more connections with others the older I get. In order to do this, I will need to work on my social skills, hence the new position.

Early on during the pandemic when I was craving social connection, I signed up for a number of online meetup groups. One such website is Meetup.com. It is free to join and there are so many groups with a wide range of topics to choose from. You don’t even have to turn on your camera when in the meetup sessions, however it is highly encouraged.

I am going to continue to reach out and make social connections with others. I was avoidant of doing so in the past, however, as I gradually become more social, I have realized how much of a joyful experience it is.

Fear Of The Unknown Keeps Us From Starting

I am guilty of this time and time again. I avoid something I want to do because in the back of my mind, I don’t have a solid understanding of (A) if it is possible at all, or (B) if it is possible, the path to success must arduous and painful. Not to mention the deep seeded fear of my overall lack of belief in myself of accomplishing any said task, and the deeper fear of if I “fail”, I will be consumed by feelings of shame and regret.

The first step to conquering this fear would be to grab that idea by the scruff of the neck and drag it out from the shadows, and push it into the light. Ambiguous ideas are a friend of fear. First, start by defining what you want to accomplish by getting your thoughts down on paper. If you need to rewrite what exactly you are trying to achieve, this is the time to do it! By becoming clear on what is your main goal, this should have a big impact on reducing your overall fear of starting.

So, you have spent the time to condense your thoughts down on paper, and now you have a firm understanding of what you are trying to achieve. The next step is to write out small actionable steps you can take to accomplish this goal. Maybe start out small. For example, I want to learn about SEO. I can start by studying for thirty minutes a day, five times a week. If after completing this task, I feel energized to do more, then I can up my study time.

The last comment is a segway into another thought I had on goals. Why do you want to accomplish this goal? This is very important. Are you unconsciously trying to complete a goal because you believe your partner or parents would be proud of you? Is this goal in line with what and who you truly are? Make sure what you have set out to do is for the right reasons.

This thought is in line with knowing your “why”. You have to ask yourself do you want it enough? Are you willing to wake up at 4am in the morning and study for two hours, five days a week for months on end? I know I am guilty of this. I will have a grand idea while taking a shower, but in the end I am just not motivated enough to put in the hours and effort to achieve the goal.

Track your progress, and keep yourself accountable. Its easy to oversleep in the morning and put off what you want to get done. Have a calendar handy, hang it above your desk and mark off the days you have worked on your goal. This way you can look back on the work accomplished and it can give you a boost in confidence, and an overall feeling of accomplishment. While you are at it, to stay motivated, write out your “Why” and your goal on a piece of paper and hang it above your desk.

I think that if you are clear on what you want, you have checked in with yourself and you have confirmed you are pursuing it for the right reasons, and you know your “why”, then I think you have a very good chance of succeeding.