What is creativity? The dictionary defines it as “the use of the imagination or original ideas, especially in the production of an artistic work”. I ask this question because it feels like I have lost my ability to be creative.  They say that creativity is like a muscle, you have to flex it in order for it to be developed.

For the better part of my life, it seems that I have purposefully shunned my creative nature. I have avoided using creativity to possibly make my life more enjoyable and express who I truly am.

Like all children, I grew up liking to draw and create. It seems this is a natural proclivity for all small children. Throughout middle school and high school, I drew and art class was by far my favorite subject.  High school like for many introverted, shy individuals, it was not very kind to me. Though, I had some friends, I never felt like I truly belonged.

After high school, I stopped drawing for the most part.  I took an art class at a local community college, but besides that I never really pursued an other creative courses.

Here I am today, working to define who I truly am.  The key areas of interest to me that keep coming up are: Writing, drawing, and designing. The common theme it seems among these areas of interest is that imagination and creativity play a big part in all of them.

The jobs that I have held in the present and past have all relied heavily on analytical thinking. None of my past jobs have been tied to creativity.  When I look back on my past, I believe my authentic path would have been to become a graphic designer or a counselor.  I struggle to imagine myself finding a path to get into either field, currently.

Since my youth, I was never an avid writer.  Only recently have I had an interest in picking up a pen and put words down on paper. I find that expressing myself in writing alleviates some of the cognitive burden I sometimes feel that wells up in my mind.  I try to fill out one page per day, expressing the current thoughts that run through my mind. It helps.

Designing, I have not studied up on too much.  I have a knack for noticing details, if I pay close attention to my environment.  My senses are more my achilles heel than my strength, though. When stressed, I tend to overlook the details.  This can bring me much frustration and consternation.  I love color and shape. I marvel at the lines and structural features of a car or the curves of a woman’s body.

I have a need to express myself creatively.  To let it to continue to wither on the vine, as I slowly get older doesn’t feel like an option anymore.  The world is too bland and boring to continue on the same emotionless path that I have been taking.  I want to set on my own path, and anyone be damned to question that I should stick to a more standard, safe route.

If you are not growing, then you are definitely dying.  The life that you want will not just fall in your lap, you will need to work to make it come a reality. I plan on working to make my life filled with more creativity and joy.

I haven’t always been kind.  Actually, until recently, I never gave it much thought or attention. I was always blunt to some extent when conveying to others how I felt or what my opinion was in relation to what we were speaking about. You see,  I just didn’t give that much of a damn.  It never weighed on my conscience, or it could have also been that I was not overly aware or interested in others thought of me.  I was, and I think still am to a certain extent a perpetually unhappy person.

Recently, I have been making progress on being more mindful on how I treat others.  I think a lot of my self growth has stemmed from addressing my past. Only recently have I fully acknowledged the narcissistic abuse that I endured as a child.  And if you have come from a similar past or have been in a relationship with a true narcissist, you will understand that they leave a large swathe of dysfunctional wreckage in their wake.

You are left picking up the pieces of your life, long after you have separated from them, or have had the ability to distance yourself from their traumatic abuse and mind games. Being able to focus and resolve old wounds from my past has given me new insight into how I treat others around me. You see, I too have narcissistic traits. I gain the trust of others, and then purposefully devalue the individual ever so slightly.  Like a thousand paper cuts, it takes time for the residual effect to set in.  To behave this one, I see now that it is very unkind and destructive to both parties.

Now that I have a better vision of how I behave and where these traits originated, I am in a better position to change them.  The biggest shift is that since I have a better understanding of myself, and by practicing self forgiveness, I am on a trajectory to treating myself better. Forming a better relationship with ones self is the quickest way, in my honest opinion, being able to form stronger relationships with others.

Mindfulness, and positive self regard are the two most powerful tools someone can have to build a better, kinder future for yourself and your loved ones.

One of my earliest memories was me as a three-year-old boy exploring the space under the living room table.  In the wee morning hours, the first rays of sunshine shimmering through the glass pane windows of the living room.  Time seems to stand still when I think back to this brief period of my youth.  It still feels like time has stopped, I have been transported back in time and, and once again, I have all the time in the world to ponder and discover new things.

I haven’t made the most of my time on this planet. Maybe many can relate with my sentiment.  When we are young, there is so much promise, so much untapped potential.  Maybe this is why older folks smile so endearingly at their grandchildren.  Because of the hope and promise that the future generation brings to them.

Lying underneath the massive table, I can still envision myself on all fours peering out through the legs of the chairs.  looking up at the living room window, my mom had strung a large glass crystal, shaped like a teardrop, secured with a piece of fishing line, pinned to the top of the window’s frame.  The crystal, when given a slight turn, would produce a thousand shards of light, filling the room with a flurry of dancing, shimmering rainbows.  The light projected onto the ceiling, walls, and floor would always bring a smile to my face.  I remember sitting under the table and just looking up in awe at the light show that surrounded me.  These brief moments of time still fill me with great wonder and contentment.  Just me and my imagination to keep me company.

when I was four I remember my teacher helping me make a wax candle in kindergarten. I remember this memory fondly. I had the job of producing the large indent in the sandbox, and then the teacher would pour the hot wax into the indentation, and insert a wick soon after before the wax had a chance to cool.  How proud I was to be involved in such a marvelous, challenging project. 

Or when I would spend time on the back porch of our home in California, playing in the sandbox.  I would build these large sandcastles and place the hose at the center base of the form.  When the castle was complete, I would turn on the hose, and watch with glee as the water would eventually erupt through the side, and expediently disintegrate my creation.

In in early summer morning, tucked away under theshade of the trees, I remember sitting in an old shell of a boat with a wheel attached at the stern, in a playground,  looking up at a church bell, as it chimed, counting off as it slowly made its way to eleven.  Another time, I remember, me and my family visiting an outdoor amphitheater in the park.  It was spring time. We watched the 1968 movie, Oliver.  What a brutal movie, from what I remembered, nonetheless, an enjoyable, memorable experience.

These were all fond memories.  Maybe that is what we all should focus on, and consciously reflect on more of.  There are good times and bad times in everybody’s life, shouldn’t the good times get the most time in the highlight reels of our minds?