Fear of Failure Part 2

I was thinking about what was at the root of my fear to try new things. Was it only on the job that I was afraid to learn new tasks? No.

When I think about all aspects of my life. Finances, relationships, new experiences, I can pinpoint fear of trying as a major hurdle. I am afraid to look at my finances and plan for retirement because I am fearful that I will come up short. I fear going out and speaking with people. I fear learning new things because I don’t want to feel shame.

Fear has played a huge part in my life’s trajectory. I am sure I am not alone. I fear learning new skills, because I cannot say for sure it will turn out as expected.

I believe the answer to fear is courage. When you have courage, you don’t need to have the answer to everything. You don’t need to feel the fear of shame. Courage gives you the ability to look past your anxieties, and just let the cards fall where they may.

Courage is the key to living a more full life. And along with courage comes competence and confidence. When learning a new topic, you first need courage, and a wide eyed curiosity for learning. When you become skilled at the task, you gain competence, and along with this you also acquire confidence.

Courage -> Competence -> Confidence

How not to be a coward

Coming to the realization that I am a coward has been liberating to me. True, it is also crushing to know that cowardice is a trait that I have held onto for so many years of my life, but as I have found with so many other bad traits in my past, I can change.

The price of cowardice compounds with time, as does being courageous. I just never fully understood that the actions I took on a daily basis could be aligned with this particular trait.

Lack of confidence and understanding have stood in my way of being the true person I should be. I have been working on understanding and bettering myself, now, for over three years now. Who I am today is nowhere near who I used to be. Like peeling layers of an onion away, it seems that I am at the layer where I must address my cowardice.

Career wise, I get a D+ for being a coward. I have rarely gone above and beyond on the job, never volunteered for special projects, never went home and studied particular topics so that I could become a subject matter expert. I just kept my head down and avoided. That is the key, when you actively avoid interacting in the world, your issues only compound.

You are only aware of the true cost until it is too late. Your relationship falls apart, and your spouse leaves you. You let your technical skills languish, and you are let go. You don’t plan for the future, the future arrives and you are not ready. You can blame all these things on others, but in reality it is up to you to plan ahead and figure it out.

It is a matter of working on being courageous on a daily basis. Being mindful of what you are feeling, and self correcting. Finding coping mechanisms, and fending off cowardice on a moment by moment basis. This is the best and easiest path to take. One small step at a time. Then again, I still have a long way to go in not being a coward. I will make sure you update you in a later post on how it goes.

Winter is Coming

It is that time of year, where the days having gotten colder and the temperature begins to drop below sixty degrees on a steady basis. Time has a way of alluding me, and most likely everyone else. One day it is summer and the next day it seems that Fall is suddenly upon us.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Fall. Fall conjures up the feeling of rebirth; new beginnings. I need to feel that about now. Fall also brings the sense of isolation, and loneliness, and slumber. All aspects of life seem to quiet down in Fall. The birds chirp less, the leaves depart from the trees, the ground becomes solid, with the oncoming cold weather.

You might ask where I am going with this, and I would likely reply, “I don’t know”. It’s dark outside, and I am now wishing it was Summer again. I am not ready for Fall, I need one or two more months of Summer, and then I will be ready…but that, of course, will not be happening. Like all things in life, you can’t always get what you want.

Fear of failure is a fear of shame

I was reading an article lately about fearing failure. I think I have dealt with this the majority of my life. I have never been one to put myself out there. I never saw the benefit equal or better than the cost of looking inept or stupid.

Recently, I have taken another deeper look at my fear of trying. What I discovered is something more telling about not only my fears but others as well. It was mentioned in an article that a fear of failure is essentially a fear of shame. It is not that the person cannot cope with the feelings of disappointment, anger, or frustration, but that failing at something causes them to feel a deep sense of shame!

Shame has to be one of or the most powerful deterrents for stopping someone from trying. Shame is insidious. It seeps into our souls, and infects our minds with deep, ephemeral feelings of fear, disgust, loathing.

Shame is something that will bend and break an individual’s soul, twisting it to and fro, with no mercy or pity. I have dealt with shame for the better part of my life. Shame of how incompetent I felt when performing new tasks. Shame of my body, feeling like I did not meet the world’s standards. Shame of my appearance.

The thing is, someone with deep shame, will never be successful. They will not be able to live a fulfilling life. They are destined to live a life of self imposed torment. Living a life of mediocrity, never having the courage to raise their head and shoulders to meet the world’s gaze. I don’t look down upon others that have shame in their hearts, I am empathetic to their plight. I too have had shame burned into my soul for many years.

But, just because you have shame, does not give you the excuse not to fight the dark evil within you that is sucking the life-force out o your soul. And I believe you must fight. Life is so damn precious and time passes so quickly, you owe it to yourself to stand and fight. Seek help from a therapist, or counselor, do whatever you have to do to help relinquish the grip shame has on your heart. It is well worth the effort.

Am I unlike the the majority?

I have observed that I am not very decisive when making certain decisions, especially major life decisions. My career path, as I have already spoken about before is in total disarray, similar to a unkept garden, I will now need to do a lot of damage control to see if it can be salvaged.

The majority of people that I work with seem to have a natural purpose or drive to compete. I have never been one to be naturally competitive. I was always the one on the sidelines, or sitting alone stuck in my head. I’m a day dreamer.

It seems in American culture that indecisiveness and day dreaming is looked down upon. The majority of the population are fixed upon clamoring up some invisible corporate ladder. I honestly think I am geared differently, in relation to the majority.

I am interested in reading about philosophy, and I have tested out as INFJ, using the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test. Many people disregard this test as nonsense, but personally, I have found it to be very beneficial to me. It has helped me understand who I am, how and why I behave the way I do.

My female coworker is INTJ. We were attracted to each other almost immediately after we met. I’m not sure it’s love, but it feels like we have known each other all our lives. I am very comfortable being in her presence, and speaking openly with her.

So, getting back to the original point, if I am truly an outlier, how do I go about fitting in? I know I should be more decisive, and come with a solid strategy to what i want to achieve in the near future and long term. Not doing so will be detrimental to me and any close loved ones.

It just sucks feeling alone in a world where the majority seems to speak a different language.

Career trajectory off the rails

I have not been one to think too far into the future. I have always been frugal, though. I tend to mostly buy used items, saving around 30-50% of the original purchase price.

The reason I bring this up is that, recently, it has become abundantly clear that my career trajectory has veered way off-course. Well, actually, if I can be blunt the ship has impacted a crater and broken up into many pieces.

I will be honest, I have neglected my career. For the past three to five years, I have been in a self imposed limbo. For the past three years, I have been slowing figuring out who I am, with the help of a psychologist. It seems only now that I have awoken from this self imposed slumber to discover the burning wreckage that is my career, roaring around me.

So, I have to ask my newly self-aware self, what am I supposed to do, and what needs to be done to rectify this situation. There are so many questions that I have for myself, it feels dizzying. What are my first steps to salvage my career? Do I even have a career? Am I too old for this career? Should I go back to school, and if so to study what? How do I shore up my current job position? What skills should I learn? You can see that it is a lot to take in.

To my credit, for the past couple years, I have been taking a number of online distance learning course. In the two year time span, I received certificates in Web Development and Design, UX design, SEO optimization, Graphic Design, Technical Writing, among a number of small courses taken on Coursera.

So, where should I start? I recently met an amazing person at work who offered some sage advice. Boiled down, she suggested that I needed a strategy. Funny, I never really put much thought into strategizing, but now I understand and appreciate how important it is to think ahead, and put real thought into where I place my time and effort.

So, this is my plan, stop, breath, and come up with a basic plan of action. Come up with a strategy. To start, a plan which is very basic, with key goals, strategies and tactics I can follow to execute.

I will update the blog, as time passes. Not sure anyone will even want to read this. But yeah, when in doubt, when things look down, get out a pen and paper and write out a strategy to get yourself out the mess. This is my advice.

Take care,

Chris

Feelings of inferiority

I think I have always felt inferior, in relation to others, since I was a small child. My father was emotionally abusive towards me and my older brother, though, he tended to leave my younger sister alone.

During these tirades, he would scream, and shout, agitating about some random inconvenience (the shower curtain broke). It seems that he found some sense of perverse pleasure in venting his frustrations upon his family members. As we got, older it only seemed to get worse.

During elementary and middle school, I would constantly get into fights with other children. I was pissed off inside, and I wouldn’t take any shit from the other kids on the playground.

Puberty hit me like a freight train. My intense feelings of inferiority followed me into high school. Gangly and awkward, I felt an intense feelings of shame and loneliness throughout those four years. I think the worst part were the feelings of shame in relation to my body. I didn’t feel like I measured up, when comparing myself to others in the gym locker room.

Well, now twenty odd years later, I am finally addressing these feelings of inferiority. It is amazing how someone can push hurtful feelings deep down into your subconscious, for years, and be completely oblivious about the profound affect it has had on their life’s trajectory.

Because of my inferior thoughts, I have never had a long term relationship, I have never felt fully comfortable in my own skin. I have never known the feeling to be secure, confident and assertive. I have languished in lack luster jobs, rarely being promoted.

But there is hope, if you persist, and put the effort in, you can make headway. You can get better. You can restory your thoughts, and reimagine your future. Your life doesn’t have to be the same as it was in your past. Past results, do not dictate future outcomes. You will need to be courageous, and kind to yourself, though. You will stumble many times, but find solace that there are others out there struggling with the same issues as you.

I am working on myself, and I am actively pursuing a romantic relationship. It is very scary at times, when I push myself out of my comfort zone. I also have to constantly contend with old ways of thinking.

Sure, I wish I would have sought therapy years ago, but rarely is life that simple. Instead of regretting the past, I want to now focus on the future. Life is not black and white. It is not full of simple answers, and quick fixes. Anything worth achieving is going to take time, patience, and persistent dedication.

For anyone else on the same path to feeling more confident in their own body, I wish you the best! If you have any comments, feel free to leave a comment below.