Take the day off

I have prized myself on being the most productive on the weekend. I enjoy writing out a laundry list of chores of what I want to get accomplished over the weekend: dishes, laundry, groceries, writing, learning..etc.

Yesterday, I had the novel idea of putting aside my tasks, and just enjoying the day. Granted, I still went to the gym, but it was still in the purpose of letting the day unwind unabated.

I don’t think I am alone to justify relaxing for one day out of the week. What bothered me was that I felt guilty that I was not being as productive as I usually am. What thought which bothered even me more was questioning if the tasks that I usually performed were even of any real value.  Was I being busy just to feel like I was accomplishing something with my life?

Not all work is created equal.  I can spend an hour rearranging my closet, but is that more important than speaking to a close family member, who I haven’t spoken to in a while, over the phone?

Always being on and productive is a disease that has been spurred on in American culture.  It seems that companies strive to increase worker productivity, without the slightest hint of remorse of what the increasing stress and urgency has on their employees.

So,  I took a “lazy” day off from my usual productive routine.  Actually, I wouldn’t call it “lazy” at all,  I would rather justify it as stepping back from the out of control lifestyle that so many Americans have unconsciously accepted as routine.

So, maybe try it yourself, if you feel you are in the same boat as me.  Are you scrambling on weekends to fill up an imaginary checklist of subpar accomplishments like me?

Question why you are doing this, and ask yourself, can all those tasks can be put aside for a day so that you can relax, read a book, and even maybe take a nap?

I am curious how this break in routine, for one day, affects your mental health.

Fear of Learning

I have had a deep fear of learning, ever since I can remember.  Actually, it is a deeper fear than that.  I also fear taking chances. I fear visiting a new restaurant to reading a new book.

I believe my deep seated fear lies in the chance that I will be made a fool, or shamed in some way.   That I will never be competent in the task at hand.

From my past history, as a child, I felt that I could never truly please my father or meet his lofty expectations.  To avert these feelings of shame and inadequacy, I would just not try.  Problem solved.

I found that if I did not try, I could avoid my father’s critiques, for the most part. Unfortunately, this mindset has followed me into adulthood, and it has had a tremendous affect on the trajectory of my life.

My career or lack there of has languished for years now.  I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid of trying because I feel that I am not competent to do the task.  Funny, since in order to be competent at something, you first have to put in the time and effort to master the skill.

This just leaves me in an endless loop of never fully committing to anything, because of this aversion.  Why does it seem that the majority can push through this cognitive block, and I cannot. I don’t think I fully comprehended how much of an affect it has had on my life and career.

I guess what I am saying is that I am not very conscious or self aware.  It is blind spot that I have dealt with my whole life.  How can I be so blind to the fact that I have been running all these years in place.  I want to be more proactive, and take charge of my life.

I don’t want to languish any longer in a dead end job.  What can I do right now that will get me in a better position in life?  It would best to speak to a career counselor or advisor?  Probably.

Maybe, I am not alone.  I would guess there are others out there that have been on auto pilot in their careers, or just life in general, too?  I am wondering how they have pulled themselves out of this ditch.   

If you care comment, if you have been in the same situation, please do.  I would be curious to what you have to say.

What does it take to find work that you love to do

I was thinking about where in my career I currently am and how I got here.  Am I lazy, or do I just not have the where-with-all to pick a career path and make it work?

I can say that I am not lazy.  I am driven by my desire to become the best authentic self that I can be.   Maybe this is why I feel consternation and anxiety when I try to force myself to learn a topic which I don’t feel is authentic to me.   What I do has to in some way connect directly with my core.

But it can be said that you will not always have the luxury to choose what you need to learn to get the job done, however,  I would preface this with, it is up to you to move your career in a direction where the daily work that you are tasked with is in direct alignment with who you are and your strengths.  Not doing so will only bring great hardship and regret in your present life, and later years.

I don’t have an excuse, really.  By staying in my current position, all I am accomplishing is wasting more time, and feeling a deep sense of loathing.   The key for me is to find work where I am able to create.  The path to that is not so clear cut, and to feel my way forward, I will need to take chances.

I currently am learning how to use Adobe illustrator and After Effects.  I enjoy both these programs.  The freedom to express myself using this medium of digital design and animation is refreshing.   I still have anxiety, not knowing if the time I spent using the programs with bring any sort of real value to me.

I think the key here is to get my work out there on this or another blog, and show what I have learned.  I have a need to share and teach, along with a desire to be competent in what I do.  Learning a task is one thing, but the process of learning and applying the task is on a completely different plane.

The is the thing, you have to do the thing before you find out that it will work out for you.  Many people with not take the leap of faith to try new things, because they don’t see a clear cut path.

It comes back to curiosity, courage, and having the sense to invest time in work and play where it brings you joy.

I still don’t know what my future career path will be.  I want to continue to explore visual design, and creative thinking.  I enjoy journaling and writing on this blog,  and maybe having no reservations or high expectations of what this will bring is the best way to exploring what I want.