I Am Worthy of Love

I don’t need to be afraid or fearful…..these feelings are derived from the idea that I don’t deserve happiness and contentment..

I can rest assured even if I fall down, I can get up, dust myself off and move forward because of the simple fact that I deserve, no I am worthy of living a happy and healthy life, filled with people who I can love and they can love me in return.

So in the matter of finding a partner, if or when I am rejected, this is ok. They are simply doing me the favor of letting me know they are not the right choice for me, that is it. There is no need for fear of rejection or shame. If you a worthy of love and attention, which all of us are, then these fears are cancelled out automatically.

If you care for someone then tell them. There is no need to hide your true feelings. Let them be known. Because the only person who can truly reject you is yourself.

I Am Afraid To Try!?! – Mindfulness is the key

Part of what makes progressing in my life rough is that I get stuck in a proverbial loop. My logic (or lack there of) for giving up on a pursuit is that If I put effort in a task and it doesn’t work out, then I would have ended up wasting all that effort and time.

I am bound to fail, so why even try in the first place?

My default answer to this dilemma is indecisive action, by not putting much effort or time into the task at hand, because why would I, I’m destined to fail anyways, or look like an ass in the process.

Subpar results are what is created from this train of thinking, or no progress at all . A life not fully lived. A coward afraid to step outside his comfort zone to address the unknowns in life.

Why am I asking these questions later in life? I am 42 years old. Maybe it is self awareness that is playing the key part in all of this. I meditate almost daily, and visit a therapist twice a month, so it might just be that I am able to better visualize how my brain is processing and rationalizing certain situations. I have never been more self aware, in my life.

What if instead of worrying about being shamed, for not knowing the answer at work, or being afraid that if I study up on a certain subject that I end up not mastering the material, I just pick a task and complete it, not for anyone else but because I wanted to learn the subject.

Isn’t that is what people do, they tend to practice what they are good at, and because of this they are good at what they practice?

Instead of heaping worries, fears, lofty expectations into something, I just mindfully clear that mental clutter from my mind and just learn for the sake of learning, and the fact that I am curious?

Simplifying, acknowledging what I fear, and addressing these fears and worries is what I believe it takes to overcome what we are reticent to pursue. This could be a relationship, career, finances..ect. The list goes on and on.

In order to have better self awareness, we need to practice mindfulness. If you google this topic, there is plenty of material out there, so I won’t bore you with the details.

As I mentioned previously, I practice meditation, but there are other means to becoming more mindful about your thoughts. It just takes practice, and addressing your fears and worries, one step at a time.

How not to be a coward

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been a coward the majority of my life. I never gave it my all. I always let the other guy step up. I hesitate to say that I could have done a better job than him, though. I never had much confidence. I could blame it on my upbringing but recently I have been reticent to play that card.

I don’t want to blame anyone anymore for how I behave. It is about time that I take responsibility for how I react to life’s ups and downs.

A coward is one who blames others for his mistakes. A coward sits on the sidelines leaving others to do the hard work. A coward doesn’t put in the effort or hard work, because of the off chance that it will not work out for him. A coward never really gives it his best…

A coward dies a thousand deaths, compared to someone with courage. I could say that I feel bad for a coward, but I really don’t. I can empathize and if asked, I would gladly offer hope and encouragement, but the path to courage is up to the individual himself.

So, here I am early 40’s and just acknowledging the depths of my cowardice. It is frightening and exhilarating to face this deep personal defect. I know I have the strength to persevere to permanently remove cowardice from my person, but there is always that nagging feeling that I might not be strong enough.

Well, I know I am strong enough to conquer this. I have been on a path of self development for the past three years now. I have conquered many demons, and I will conquer this one like all the rest.

Fear of failure is a fear of shame

I was reading an article lately about fearing failure. I think I have dealt with this the majority of my life. I have never been one to put myself out there. I never saw the benefit equal or better than the cost of looking inept or stupid.

Recently, I have taken another deeper look at my fear of trying. What I discovered is something more telling about not only my fears but others as well. It was mentioned in an article that a fear of failure is essentially a fear of shame. It is not that the person cannot cope with the feelings of disappointment, anger, or frustration, but that failing at something causes them to feel a deep sense of shame!

Shame has to be one of or the most powerful deterrents for stopping someone from trying. Shame is insidious. It seeps into our souls, and infects our minds with deep, ephemeral feelings of fear, disgust, loathing.

Shame is something that will bend and break an individual’s soul, twisting it to and fro, with no mercy or pity. I have dealt with shame for the better part of my life. Shame of how incompetent I felt when performing new tasks. Shame of my body, feeling like I did not meet the world’s standards. Shame of my appearance.

The thing is, someone with deep shame, will never be successful. They will not be able to live a fulfilling life. They are destined to live a life of self imposed torment. Living a life of mediocrity, never having the courage to raise their head and shoulders to meet the world’s gaze. I don’t look down upon others that have shame in their hearts, I am empathetic to their plight. I too have had shame burned into my soul for many years.

But, just because you have shame, does not give you the excuse not to fight the dark evil within you that is sucking the life-force out o your soul. And I believe you must fight. Life is so damn precious and time passes so quickly, you owe it to yourself to stand and fight. Seek help from a therapist, or counselor, do whatever you have to do to help relinquish the grip shame has on your heart. It is well worth the effort.

Feelings of inferiority

I think I have always felt inferior, in relation to others, since I was a small child. My father was emotionally abusive towards me and my older brother, though, he tended to leave my younger sister alone.

During these tirades, he would scream, and shout, agitating about some random inconvenience (the shower curtain broke). It seems that he found some sense of perverse pleasure in venting his frustrations upon his family members. As we got, older it only seemed to get worse.

During elementary and middle school, I would constantly get into fights with other children. I was pissed off inside, and I wouldn’t take any shit from the other kids on the playground.

Puberty hit me like a freight train. My intense feelings of inferiority followed me into high school. Gangly and awkward, I felt an intense feelings of shame and loneliness throughout those four years. I think the worst part were the feelings of shame in relation to my body. I didn’t feel like I measured up, when comparing myself to others in the gym locker room.

Well, now twenty odd years later, I am finally addressing these feelings of inferiority. It is amazing how someone can push hurtful feelings deep down into your subconscious, for years, and be completely oblivious about the profound affect it has had on their life’s trajectory.

Because of my inferior thoughts, I have never had a long term relationship, I have never felt fully comfortable in my own skin. I have never known the feeling to be secure, confident and assertive. I have languished in lack luster jobs, rarely being promoted.

But there is hope, if you persist, and put the effort in, you can make headway. You can get better. You can restory your thoughts, and reimagine your future. Your life doesn’t have to be the same as it was in your past. Past results, do not dictate future outcomes. You will need to be courageous, and kind to yourself, though. You will stumble many times, but find solace that there are others out there struggling with the same issues as you.

I am working on myself, and I am actively pursuing a romantic relationship. It is very scary at times, when I push myself out of my comfort zone. I also have to constantly contend with old ways of thinking.

Sure, I wish I would have sought therapy years ago, but rarely is life that simple. Instead of regretting the past, I want to now focus on the future. Life is not black and white. It is not full of simple answers, and quick fixes. Anything worth achieving is going to take time, patience, and persistent dedication.

For anyone else on the same path to feeling more confident in their own body, I wish you the best! If you have any comments, feel free to leave a comment below.