Feelings of inferiority

I think I have always felt inferior, in relation to others, since I was a small child.  My father was emotionally abusive towards me and my older brother, though, he tended to leave my younger sister alone.

During these tirades, he would scream, and shout, agitating about some random inconvenience (the shower curtain broke).  It seems that he found some sense of perverse pleasure in venting his frustrations upon his family members. As we got, older it only seemed to get worse.

During elementary and middle school, I would constantly get into fights with other children.  I was pissed off inside, and I wouldn’t take any shit from the other kids on the playground.

Puberty hit me like a freight train. My intense feelings of inferiority followed me into high school. Gangly and awkward, I felt an intense feelings of shame and loneliness throughout those four years. I think the worst part were the feelings of shame in relation to my body.  I didn’t feel like I measured up, when comparing myself to others in the gym locker room.

Well, now twenty odd years later, I am finally addressing these feelings of inferiority.  It is amazing how someone can push hurtful feelings deep down into your subconscious, for years,  and be completely oblivious about the profound affect it has had on their life’s trajectory.

Because of my inferior thoughts, I have never had a long term relationship, I have never felt fully comfortable in my own skin. I have never known the feeling to be secure, confident and assertive. I have languished in lack luster jobs, rarely being promoted.

But there is hope, if you persist, and put the effort in, you can make headway.  You can get better. You can restory your thoughts, and reimagine your future.  Your life doesn’t have to be the same as it was in your past.  Past results, do not dictate future outcomes.  You will need to be courageous, and kind to yourself, though.  You will stumble many times, but find solace that there are others out there struggling with the same issues as you.

I am working on myself, and I am actively pursuing a romantic relationship. It is very scary at times, when I push myself out of my comfort zone. I also have to constantly contend with old ways of thinking.

Sure, I wish I would have sought therapy years ago, but rarely is life that simple.  Instead of regretting the past, I want to now focus on the future.  Life is not black and white. It is not full of simple answers, and quick fixes.  Anything worth achieving is going to take time, patience, and persistent dedication.

For anyone else on the same path to feeling more confident in their own body, I wish you the best! If you have any comments, feel free to leave a comment below.