Happen To Your Life

This is one major epiphany, that life always doesn’t have to happen to me, rather I can happen to my life.

I think I have always blamed others, or unfortunate circumstances when things didn’t go so well. Poor job performance at work, well just blame it on the employer or customers.

Ultimately it seems that this is just me unconsciously trying to protect my ego. I don’t want to admit that maybe I am not putting too much effort, or that I am not very good at what the job entails. It makes sense.

The cost to blaming others is that I never get the opportunity to accurately assess why things are not going so well. There is no real opportunity for me to understand why my poor job performance is occurring. I never let true honesty between my conscious and unconscious self unfold. If I was honest and in touch with my feelings, I would know that I was miserable in my new role, that I had never really enjoyed working for this company, that I was settling for far less, just because I never thought I could do more or be more.

That in order to create a meaningful life, I would need to be clear with myself on what I really wanted. I’m not good at asking for what I want. I have a tendency to look at neediness as a weakness. I want to change that now. I have needs and I deserve to get them filled.

But that is the thing, it takes effort and and addressing the unconscious fears to be able to get what you want in life.

I realize now that life doesn’t have to happen to me. I don’t have to stay in a job I hate, that I can explore other opportunities. That in the end, my limiting beliefs of what I am capable of are holding me back.

Beliefs about yourself, others and the world have such a tremendous impact on our lives. I never really questioned my beliefs. Many of these beliefs I learned from childhood. It makes sense that these unconscious unhelpful beliefs would be carried by me into adulthood. The majority of us (or all of us) carry around these old unhelpful beliefs our whole lives, unfortunately.

The best way to combat this is to practice mindfulness. Practice being aware of what thoughts are driving us to act and think the way we do. Only then will we have the chance to call those unhelpful beliefs into question, and possibly change our course and take a different path in life.

I hate feeling anxious!

I started looking for a future partner recently, having broken up with my previous partner over six months ago. The anxiety of reaching out to perfect strangers, coming up with the right words to use and then keeping that correspondence going is enough to drive anyone mad!

But here’s the thing, in any endeavor where you are asked to put your self out on a limb, it is going to feel unnatural, foreign, scary and a bit squeamish. I am sure others who have found their partner for life are very glad that they are not swimming around the dating pool.

Any time I have made an oversized effort to change a part of my life, I have felt this uneasiness. Just the thought of the feeling makes me want to scurry for safety. But this perceived safety is false. If I continue to isolate myself and never reach out, I know I will be alone for the rest of my life. I have been alone for majority of my life, and the worrisome thing is that I am very comfortable with self imposed isolation.

To make things worse, I do things slowwwwwly… So any changes in my life have been made over a fairly large period of time. This pattern is self evident in so many aspects of my life…career change, and dating to name a couple. I wish I could make large changes in my life at a much quicker pace. Maybe this is not something wise to ask for. Maybe it is best to make gradual changes over a certain time period.

My motivation for change comes and goes like the breeze. This doesn’t help things either. It just feels like time is slipping by so quickly. You can grasp at the grains of sand as they slip between your fingers but it doesn’t slow it down.

I think knowing what I want, and clarifying it in my mind and writing down on paper is the first step of taking the reins of my future. I also think purposefully putting a consistent amount of time and effort into certain chosen endeavors is a wise choice. Small investments of time over a given period of time can produce wonderful outcomes.

So, this is what I will do. Write down what I want, put in consistent effort, and work on making these dreams come true. Wish me luck!

The dark days are here, again.

It always seems to catch up to me, surprising me every year.  The inky darkness of Fall which stealthily creeps into our lives, unannounced.  Not long ago the sun didn’t set till late evening, and now almost suddenly, by early evening the light is slowing fading away.

I guess this could symbolize time in general, in our lives.  How we take for granted how precious it is to us, and under estimate how quickly it passes.  No matter how many years pass by me, I am still amazed at how quickly time passes.

I don’t mind the darkness. Actually, I prefer it for the most part to Summer.  Fall and Winter feel like a cold, quiet security blanket for my consciousness.  It envelops my soul, insulating me from the outside world.

I enjoy how time seems to slow down during these seasons.  The birds quiet down, the trees lose their leaves,  and silence fills the empty space, like a vacuum.

Some of my favorite holidays occur during this time.  Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  Fall leaves, Jack O Lanterns, turkey and stuffing. What is there not to love? The New Year ushers in the sense and hope of new beginnings.

After Fall and Winter pass, Spring will arrive, and then Summer.  Summer will pass, and Fall will be here, once again. We are all caught in a finite loop, as the world turns and circles the sun. At least until we meet our untimely end.

Life runs in cycles. Right now, I am just along for the ride.

Is it too late?

I travelled up to the community college that I had gone to so many years ago, yesterday.  It was eerie and bitter sweet to revisit the college that I had spent many days in my youth.

The transfer advisor that I had been hoping to speak with was not in the office, however, though, his assistant was. Youthful and kind, she did not have much knowledge or experience; because of this she was unable to assist me.

I plan on heading back up to the college in the coming days. college transfer advisors are elusive creatures. Always in meeting or taking a medical leave of absence. I just want to figure out if my credits are worth anything anymore.

It seems like the college institutions operate a lot like the government, or even large hospitals. They operate on their own time, and by their own standards, almost like they are stuck in a time warp. I would much rather see all college classes shift online. The cost of tuition should decrease dramatically.

In this day and age, you don’t need to be in the same classroom as the teacher to learn. Make it easier on everyone and allow students to connect remotely. Stop the madness, please!

Well, getting back to my original thought, I am in the process of figuring out how I can possibly cobble together a bachelors degree over the next few years.   This will take a lot more planning.  I don’t want to take a lot of classes just to get a piece of paper, and realize that it was all for nothing.

This is what I am trying to do more of, strategically plan ahead.  I have always just blindly run into things. My intuition would validate the thought that I was having at the time I had it and that would usually be enough for me to pursue my goal.  I don’t see that as the most prudent route anymore.  You have to look farther down the road and weigh more variables to get a better understanding if you are truly making the right decision.

Oh well, it could be worse.  I could be addicted to drugs.  Haha,  I bring this up because this is the exact thing my dad said to me numerous times.  He reads the news way too much and I guess there are a ton of articles highlighting the heroin epidemic in America.  Hey, misery sells so I can’t blame them for writing what people want to read.  Not me, though.  I have mostly stopped reading and watching the news.  It’s really not news anymore.   I got better shit to do with my time,  like trying to resurrect my career and figuring out how to go back to school!

Like I said,  life can be a lot worse.  I complain about not have a secure future, but there are so many in life that have it much worse than me.   It is important for me to acknowledge that I am lucky, and that I should be grateful for what I have.

So, in short, I continue to plod along. Not unlike a little cork in the middle of the ocean, I make my way slowly along the currents of life.



How do I know this time will be different?

Why haven’t I tried more? What in my career and in life in general has caused me to be so blind to the fact that I am not making much progress?

I am passive. I don’t purposefully pursue what is in my best interest for the long run. I am future focused but I am not.   I have not planned out my career, as I should have, and now I am in a bind.

I tell myself that I am going to get my shit together, and that this time it will be different, but really, if I am honest with myself, will it really?  How can I trust myself after pulling this shit, over the past 40+ years.

Am I a loser?  Because I don’t have a wife, a secure cushy job and a four year degree? Possibly, in the eyes of many Americans.  We live our lives by the ideals of our society. If we happen to not meet those expectations, many of us cannot help to feel like we are abject failures.

So, in short, I don’t know if this time it will be different.  All I can do is try my best, and make better plans for my future.  I’m a bit of a dreamer, so it is very easy for me to get lost in my head.  I will just need to be more self aware.

I don’t know what is in store for me, and my future.  I should be grateful for what I have and be thankful that I am healthy.  There are a lot less fortunate people out there in the world, and a person’s personal perspective can become clouded with their less consequential misfortunes, easily.

I guess what I have to say is that nobody is holding my feet to the fire.  If I don’t like my current predicament, well then, I best do something about it.  I plan to go see a career counselor, and I am going to look into completing my bachelors degree.

Complaining and ruminating only saps a person’s energy. It is best to plan a a course of action and take it.  Any direction at this point is fine by me!

I Am Afraid To Try!?! – Mindfulness is the key

Part of what makes progressing in my life rough is that I get stuck in a proverbial loop.  My logic (or lack there of) for giving up on a pursuit is that If I put effort in a task and it doesn’t work out, then I would have ended up wasting all that effort and time.

I am bound to fail, so why even try in the first place?

My default answer to this dilemma is indecisive action, by not putting much effort or time into the task at hand, because why would I,  I’m destined to fail anyways, or look like an ass in the process.

Subpar results are what is created from this train of thinking, or no progress at all .   A life not fully lived.  A coward afraid to step outside his comfort zone to address the unknowns in life.

Why am I asking these questions later in life?  I am 42 years old. Maybe it is self awareness that is playing the key part in all of this. I meditate almost daily, and visit a therapist twice a month, so it might just be that I am able to better visualize how my brain is processing and rationalizing certain situations.    I have never been more self aware, in my life.

What if instead of worrying about being shamed, for not knowing the answer at work, or being afraid that if I study up on a certain subject that I end up not mastering the material, I just pick a task and complete it, not for anyone else but because I wanted to learn the subject.

Isn’t that is what people do, they tend to practice what they are good at, and because of this they are good at what they practice?

Instead of heaping  worries, fears, lofty expectations into something, I just mindfully clear that mental clutter from my mind and just learn for the sake of learning, and the fact that I am curious?

Simplifying, acknowledging what I fear,  and addressing these fears and worries is what I believe it takes to overcome what we are reticent to pursue.   This could be a relationship, career,  finances..ect.  The list goes on and on.

In order to have better self awareness, we need to practice mindfulness.  If you google this topic, there is plenty of material out there, so I won’t bore you with the details.

As I mentioned previously, I practice meditation, but there are other means to becoming more mindful about your thoughts.  It just takes practice, and addressing your fears and worries, one step at a time.